My husband likes to joke that I suffered from "Hyper Active Oh Shiney Disorder." Aka - I'm majorly easily distracted. This joke goes back YEARS to our early roleplay days, where my character would get distracted picking up every flower she saw. It earned me the nickname "Flower Girl." hehe. This picture was not planned to work for my love of flowers and my shiney side, but then I saw the new textures in picnik. The rest was history.
I totally adore flowers. It goes back to when I was little with my Great grandfather and my grandmother. Both LOVED their gardens. They also both tolerated me picking every flower in sight. I miss them both, but flowers definitely keep them in my hearts.
I first found roleplaying at the age of 16, when I started playing Everquest. It was an outlet for my creative writing. I fell in love. At the time, I developed a character named Leiella. (You'll hear more about her on another day.) The character I've done the most work with is Lolanae. She is a wood elf rogue. The picture for today is of a dagger and a key. Two things very key to almost any of Lolanae's stories. I tried a new idea with the lighting, seeing as rogues are usually hiding in the shadows.
I love writing stories. It goes back to part of what I talked about yesterday. I love getting lost in my head in these worlds of imagination and fantasy. It's definitely my fun, wind down time at the end of the day.
I'm grateful that I got into roleplay and online gaming. I have friends (and a husband!) from there and bonds formed that have lasted years past when we still played the games. Some of these friends I've never met in person (though I hope to one day), but that doesn't matter to us.
I've had this idea in my head for a bit. It's actually thanks to a line from one of my favorite songs by 30 Seconds to Mars - The Kill.
I tried to be someone else But nothing seemed to change I know now, this is who I really am inside. Finally found myself Fighting for a chance. I know now, this is who I really am.
I'm doing this as part of my 365project. It's taking a little thinking outside of the box. It will also take some nerves, courage and planning since I plan to atleast end it with a self-portrait. I started today with this picture:
This was the description:
My main "job" for the last 3 and 1/2 years has been a stay at home mama. I love it, even though my boss is prone to tantrums, hilarity, and sudden work schedule changes. For all the sleepless nights, she is totally worth it. The two am smiles after I've solved whatever crisis make the lack of sleep tolerable. I wouldn't change it for the world, no matter how frustrated I might get some days.
The star was her idea. She then sang me 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" while I took the picture. The letters are from her toys, except the M is from my scrapbooking stuff.
Today I was reminded of an old blog post of mine about bullying. What reminded me was this video:
Such a powerful song and video. It conveys a message that I do hold dear to my heart. One that you should not judge or shame someone for who they choose to love or be. I understand that the world will never be perfect, and that Utopia is nothing but a pipe dream. However, if we were all cookie cutter versions of each other, the world would be bloody boring. Humans thrive of being different. If it's one thing I've learned over the years, thanks to my online gaming actually, is that there are MANY different types of people in this world.
I do know that life does get better. It is not the instant you graduate high school, but it will get better. Hell, at 28, I'm still figuring out me. I don't think there is a set age to find yourself. One thing I have learned is that you have to be true to yourself. It's hard shrugging off listening to what everyone thinks, but for your own happiness, you have to.
Acceptance and tolerance are such huge things I wish people would have more of. I've even covered it in my 365project. I know part of the strong feelings I have on this topic is because of my personality. I also know that changing the attitudes of the kids/teens today won't happen until we change the attitude of the adults. I can only hope that maybe my generation will see what is happening to teens now and raise our children to be more accepting. A girl can dream, right?
Over the past month, there has been a lot of news reports about teenagers, college students, and people that have committed suicide over bullying. Many of these tragedies were over being bullied just because of sexual orientation. I will never understand making someone's life miserable due to them loving someone of their own sex. I do not care the justifications that bullies make. I don't care if you think it's a sin. I don't. Bullying someone to the point that the only option they see is taking their own life is sickening, and in my eyes, ten times a worse sin than homosexuality.
I've been picked on dating as far back as elementary school. I have horrible teeth, and literally can remember being teased about them from first grade on. It is with out a doubt the source of my self esteem issues over my teeth and appearance. Sometimes I've love to throw a brick at some of the bullies heads. But I disgress...
I don't remember much about teasing or bullying in middle school. It was probably there, but I've slept since then. (Child birth also zapped some of my brain cells, I swear.) Now, high school, that I remember. In particular, I remember one boy who seemed to be the head of the teasing department. He was the typical cocky, richie rich, prep asshole. I know, harsh words, but I literally remember this guy always having some crack about me.
One time I remember being in fencing (Yes, I was a fencer. hehe) and he was there. I hated that he was there. Fencing was my refuge from the prep crowd. The fencing room was my safe spot, but there he was. I was dating a guy at the time, and Richie Rich seemed to find it hilarious. It's like he couldn't accept that someone would like me. (Insert some more self esteem issues here.) I counted the days until he swapped over to health for the year. I also went to school during the time frame (and I'm guessing it probably still happens) that if you didn't have the right brand name clothes you just were not worth a damn. (Let's not mention that garment A and garment B look the same except for pattern/color.)
I ended up doing what most bullied kids do. Internalized the entire damn lot of insults, quirks, ect. In my head I had these fabulous arguments and come backs for them. Wanting to tell them to be glad that they can have anything they need(and want), no worries about eviction notices, no worries about utilities being turned off, ect. Not everyone's world was as perfect as their's.
Thankfully, I had some kick ass friend's in high school. Fencing team helped me keep my sanity. I also had some other friends that all stuck together through our four years there. I wish/hope that I can get back in good touch with all of them. The years (oh hell, almost a decade now) have sent us in many directions.
Now, only once in my life have I contemplated suicide. At the time I was alone in Chicago, emotionally abused into a pulp by the guy that I dated at the time, and feeling a wee bit of a failure at college. God only knows why I didn't do what I thought about that night. I do know that it took me a while to crawl out of that dark place. (Man, are my journal entries from that time interesting...) I am glad I crawled out. Glad I ended up finding a pretty spiffy guy that was willing to take on damaged goods and saw something in me that I still strive to completely see even now.
My point to all of this rambling - It really does get better. Nothing will ever be perfect. Life is an ever evolving puzzle with complications and surprises, but it's not always bad. On my bad days, I just have to remember that I have a husband that loves me despite my faults and a beautiful daughter who thinks I'm magic. (Seeing the world through a toddler's eyes is truely a delight on a daily basis.) If I could have someone learn one thing from this - don't keep it all in yourself. I tend to do that. It's what my husband and father in law call "Getting lost in my head." While I'm usually a-okay with that thanks to my personality type, sometimes I will over brood, over think, and totally fubar myself. Talk to some one. Write in a journal. Just get it out. Find an outlet for your frustration. Do what you have to to get it out.
This is definitely a post that I could not leave without some songs. These are very meaningful songs that have struck something with me recently - be recent happenings or past memories. They have stuck with me.
Three Days Grace - Pain - "I'd rather feel pain, than nothing at all." Been there, done that. You can only take so much of being numb.
Three Days Grace - Never Too Late - It never is to late to try to pick yourself up, right the wrongs, and make things work. There is always tomorrow and a path through the maze.
Linkin Park - Waiting for the End - A very true song about how sometimes life gets out of our control, and we find ourselves waiting for the end. The song also talks about how this isn't the end, but the beginning of a new chapter.
Katy Perry - Firework - To be honest, I didn't hear this song until today, but it struck me hard. (As in teary eyed.) She's dedicating it to the It Gets Better Project. It is a song about finding that spark inside of you. The goodness we all have and showing the world.
I can only hope that my generation will raise children that won't bully or judge. I know that won't completely happen, because Utopia is impossible. Yet, I hope that maybe we can help minimalize it, so that ten years down the road, it's not children my daughter's age in the news for this. A mom can hope, right?
My time back here in Louisiana is coming to a close. It's been an interesting 5 months. I will say that the long nights have lead to lots of thinking. I got back into a lot of my old hobbies - writing, roleplaying and guiding. Writing is good for me. As Ryan tells me sometimes, I'm too artsie fartsie for my own sake. Writing gives me an outlet. Even if it just sits on my computer or in a journal. Roleplaying also gives me a creative outlet that I've been missing.
Also, the time here helped me stop some bad habits. I got too sucked into EQ2 before we left. It was causing my to neglect some of the real world, and I'm sorry for that. I do miss raiding, but I'm happy in my little nook of the world there now. Not to mention, I re-connected with some long lost friends. Silly rangahs and druids, among others!
For all the frustrations that a two year old brings, I've gotten to spend a lot of time with her and understand her a lot better. I've got to seem her start talking and turn into this sponge, craving knowledge. In some terms, she is a completely different kid from when we left. I does hurt me that Ryan misses some of these milestones. I guess that is why I try to take so many videos and photos. I also emailed him during patrol about all her adventures.
As I sit here listening to videos on Vevo, I just think about what all has happened. I'm getting insanely nervous for some reason about being back with Ryan, but I always get that feeling after a patrol. I do feel more "myself" than I have in awhile. We'll see if it holds out once we're back in Georgia. I think and hope it will. I have proven to myself that I can make life work when Ryan is gone. I needed to prove that to myself.
Now coming up we have the hard part of this trip - the saying good bye. Those always kill me. This will also be the first time that Alison's been old enough to "get" that part. It's always bitter sweet. I'm happy beyond belief to be back with Ryan, but sad to know my parents will be upset. We'll be back here after the first of the year though to finish work on my mouth. Not to mention the ever fun, getting back used to being around Ryan. I do think that part is hard for him, especially with Alison. I just have to remember to be patient. (Someone remind me to be patient...LOL)
My hopes for vacation: - Alone time with my hubby (I love my daughter...but I haven't gotten much alone time with Ryan in her almost 3 years on this Earth. lol) - Seeing what Ali thinks of Phoenix and the road trip. She seemed to have a ball on the Louisiana leg of this adventure. Now she has loads more words, so that will be fun. - To take Alison to see pandas. Oh this will be interesting. She's also requested to see a mountain. (She currently thinks that anything hill-like, taller than her, is a mountain...) - To just have fun and attempt to not stress. (I fully expect Ryan to get me drunk to keep me from stressing...LOL. Or knock me over the head with a rock.)
And of course, to conclude this rambling mess...some of my favorite videos from this summer:
I love just about anything Shakira. The woman has always fascinated me. I'd love to see her in concert one day. And speaking of here...this is another video of her's that I love:
I am absolutely amazed with the dance routine. It's beautifully passionate. Never seen anything like it. Love it!
Yes, I discovered Adam Lambert. This song is the cause. Yes, he is a little quirky, but some of the songs are rather catchy. And listening to this song, I've officially been married to Ryan too long. I catch myself figuring out parodies. When he sings the line, "I've got a boots on.." my mind sings "I've got my stripper heels on." (Which is actually a line later in the song. LOL)
I hope everyone has had a good summer. I should still be able to blog/get online some from the in-laws house. Stay safe!
